i was born a porn star she said
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
