i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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