her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
