I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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