babies were throwing up all over the place
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
