Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
