I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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