I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
