he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
