Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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