I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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