Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
