the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
