This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
