i permit you to call me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
