I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
