How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
