I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
