i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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