Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
