Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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