oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
