Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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