I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
