Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
tequila makes me forget i have legs
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
