Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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