I faked an abortion last night.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
