I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
