I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
