I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
This house was built for laser tag.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
