i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
