take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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