I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Who died my cat blue again?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
