i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
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