I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
