i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
