Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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