How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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