Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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