I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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