I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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