New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
