Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
