Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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