And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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