splinters make it hard to masturbate
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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