Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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