fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
