Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
