I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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